Guilt and Forgiveness: Moving on after a tragic loss

Guilt is one of the most common feelings people experience after the loss of a pet. Death in general elicits a wide array of feelings of helplessness and loss of control, and often pet owners feel like there was something else they could have done to halt death.

Turf admiring the view

As a pet owner, you've taken on the responsibility to care for your pet throughout its life, so it makes sense that you may feel like you've let your pet down or failed to protect your pet from death. Despite our best intentions, we have limits as humans and we need to accept our fallibility. If you are feeling trapped in "should have, could have, would have…” type of thinking and feeling overwhelmed by failure, I want to remind you that most likely, you did the best you could for your pet. 

If your pet died suddenly in a tragic way, or seemingly because of something you did or did not do, it's natural that the feelings of guilt are going to be more intense and more challenging to let go. It can be tempting to hang onto your guilt as a way to stay connected to your pet or as a way to "punish" yourself. It is enormously tragic and traumatic to lose you pet as a result of a circumstance that might have been preventable, but your suffering should have a limit. If you've lost your pet in this type of way, be kind to yourself. 

Among the many great qualities that animals possess is their ability to forgive. Rarely do they hold a grudge for more than a few minutes. Your pet would forgive you of anything. You are allowed to forgive yourself. 

One of the best ways to work through guilt is to tap into the altruistic part of yourself. If you feel you have been responsible for your pet's death, attempting to regain control and offer something good to the world may help you feel better. By volunteering somewhere, or doing something to honor your pet that gives back to the larger community, your guilt can be transformed into something productive and positive.  

"We are all on a life long journey and the core of its meaning, the terrible demand of its centrality is forgiving and being forgiven." ~Martha Kilpatrick

Externalize Your Feelings: Some concrete things to do to feel better after the loss of a pet

Adorable Sam

When you are feeling sad or depressed on the inside, it can be immensely helpful to externalize those feelings. Expressing your painful feelings in a tangible way—in writing or in an artistic expression—can help to put some distance between the part of you that is in pain and the other parts that are resilient and strong. The death of a pet can leave us feeling helpless and without control. Creating something can help to restore a sense of empowerment and offer an active way to move through the grieving process.

Below are a few suggestions of how to creatively express your feelings. Keep in mind that you are doing this for yourself, and whatever you choose to create does not need to be shown to anyone or put on display. If you have your own ideas, I would love to hear them. Please post in the comments or contact me.

Write a Letter to Your Pet
This can be a really useful way to express your feelings towards to your pet and clarify what your pet meant to you. I often hear from people that they worry about forgetting their pet and they won't remember the special quirks or behaviors that made their pet unique. Writing a letter that includes your favorite memories or special aspects about your pet can help you to focus on the positive as well as provide a way to ensure that your memories stay alive.

Create a Mandala
The circular form of the mandala is one that has had a universally soothing quality for thousands of years. Quite often creating imagery inside of a circle elicits emotional expression and can be a comforting experience. You do not have to be artistic to do this. Simply trace a circle onto a piece of paper (you can use a plate, a can, any round container) and using crayons, markers, pastels, pencils or whatever material you have available simply draw what's on your mind in the moment. Your imagery does not need to be realistic, but can be abstract shapes, lines and colors. Just let your mind flow and see what happens. Quite often the circle shape acts as a container for feelings and can help to lessen their intensity. 

Make a Collage

Do you have lots of pictures of your pet? Pull some of your favorites and any other images (from magazines, the internet, other photo collections) that inspire or resonate and cut them out. Fill a page with pictures, words, stories about your pet, meaningful quotes. It is the process here that can really help you foster good memories, gain control and help you to generally feel better. Let go of any expectation for what it should look like and let yourself play for a little while.

Create a Special Box
Boxes can offer a sense of containment, safety and security. Decorate a special box and put some photos and or special things that remind you of your pet—favorite toys, tags, collars or any other mementos you may have. You can write your thoughts and feelings on a pieces of paper and keep them safely in the box. Consider the box your safe space, almost a three-dimensional journal, and put items in there that are meaningful to you.

Dr. Dan Siegel on Loss

Dr. Dan Siegel is a psychiatrist and neuroscientist whose work has explored using mindful awareness to promote mental, physical and relational health. He recently gave an interview in which he talks about the passing of his father and how his mind processed the experience and made efforts to adjust to a new reality. He emphasizes the importance of being present and allowing whatever feelings are coming up to just be. Be there with what is unfolding. "All we can do in life—no matter the helplessness you feel—is just be present."

If you have the time, this interview is quite interesting (though it's about an hour long) and offers a take on loss that may be helpful to consider.

The Human-Animal Bond

Bailey and her friends (animal and human)

Did you know that in ancient Egypt a person was condemned to death for intentionally (or accidentally) killing a cat? When a cat died, their human family would shave their eyebrows as a sign of their deep mourning. While times have changed and cats may no longer be treated as gods, it is a testament to how powerful the human-animal bond can be.  

The American Veterinary Medical Association defines the human-animal bond as "a mutually beneficial and dynamic relationship between people and animals that is influenced by behaviors that are essential to the health and well-being of both." The human-animal bond has existed for thousands of years and has benefited the emotional, psychological and physical well-being of both people and animals.

Historically, animals were kept because they served some sort of purpose. Dogs guarded the family home, cats were used to keep mice and rats away. Over time, certain animals and humans naturally began to form relationships, as the need for connection and comfort is something that lives in both humans and domestic animals. People experience less physiological distress in the presence of animals (for example, lowered blood pressure, reduced anxiety, general feeling of well-being) and provide us with the opportunity to exercise our natural tendency to nurture and care for things. 

As this blog develops, I hope to highlight instances where the human-animal bond is best represented. If you have a story to share or have come across a meaningful example of this special bond, please let me know.