Helping children through the loss of a pet

It can be tempting to shield children from the “adult” experience of death, however depending on the age of the child, there are varying ways in which children respond to the loss of a family pet. Here are some typical reactions:

Turf lounging on the couch

Two to three year olds have not yet lived long enough to have an understanding of death, so they may not react with overwhelming feelings. At this age, children will sense what their parent is feeling and may copy those emotions. It's important to tell a child that the pet is gone, keep up with routines and demonstrate a normal response to the loss. 

Four to Six year olds have some understanding of death but may not comprehend the finality. They might feel they are at fault for the death and their feelings may manifest in symptoms such as bed-wetting or changes in eating and sleeping habits. 

Seven to nine year olds understand that death is forever and may be curious about it. Their grief may be expressed in somatic symptoms or acting out behaviors and aggression. These children need to be reassured that they did not do anything to cause the death. 

Ten to eleven year olds react to death in a more adult way and understand that it is a part of life. The death may trigger memories of previous losses. 

Adolescents react as adults do, although they may have extreme reactions ranging from no reaction to overly emotional. Adolescents are likely to want to support of peers and may not want to listen to their parents’ suggestions about how to express grief. 

In general, when speaking to children about death, it is important to meet the child where they are at and be as honest as possible, using language that they can understand based on their age. Check in with your child to gauge their level of understanding and their perception of the death. Offer reassurance and try to normalize the death for your child, teaching that death is the normal ending to life. Because children may not have the words to express their feelings, it's important to be extra sensitive and be sure not to trivialize the pet’s death or your child’s response to it.

It may be helpful to inform your child's teacher about the loss so that the teacher can offer extra attention and peers may be able to offer support. Sometimes speaking to a veterinarian can be a chance for an older child to ask questions about the pet's death. Animals can offer a healing experience, so a visit to an animal shelter (with the clear parameter that you won't be adopting a pet at this time, but rather just paying a visit) can be a soothing experience and a springboard for your child to express his/her feelings about the loss. 

Guilt and Forgiveness: Moving on after a tragic loss

Guilt is one of the most common feelings people experience after the loss of a pet. Death in general elicits a wide array of feelings of helplessness and loss of control, and often pet owners feel like there was something else they could have done to halt death.

Turf admiring the view

As a pet owner, you've taken on the responsibility to care for your pet throughout its life, so it makes sense that you may feel like you've let your pet down or failed to protect your pet from death. Despite our best intentions, we have limits as humans and we need to accept our fallibility. If you are feeling trapped in "should have, could have, would have…” type of thinking and feeling overwhelmed by failure, I want to remind you that most likely, you did the best you could for your pet. 

If your pet died suddenly in a tragic way, or seemingly because of something you did or did not do, it's natural that the feelings of guilt are going to be more intense and more challenging to let go. It can be tempting to hang onto your guilt as a way to stay connected to your pet or as a way to "punish" yourself. It is enormously tragic and traumatic to lose you pet as a result of a circumstance that might have been preventable, but your suffering should have a limit. If you've lost your pet in this type of way, be kind to yourself. 

Among the many great qualities that animals possess is their ability to forgive. Rarely do they hold a grudge for more than a few minutes. Your pet would forgive you of anything. You are allowed to forgive yourself. 

One of the best ways to work through guilt is to tap into the altruistic part of yourself. If you feel you have been responsible for your pet's death, attempting to regain control and offer something good to the world may help you feel better. By volunteering somewhere, or doing something to honor your pet that gives back to the larger community, your guilt can be transformed into something productive and positive.  

"We are all on a life long journey and the core of its meaning, the terrible demand of its centrality is forgiving and being forgiven." ~Martha Kilpatrick

Externalize Your Feelings: Some concrete things to do to feel better after the loss of a pet

Adorable Sam

When you are feeling sad or depressed on the inside, it can be immensely helpful to externalize those feelings. Expressing your painful feelings in a tangible way—in writing or in an artistic expression—can help to put some distance between the part of you that is in pain and the other parts that are resilient and strong. The death of a pet can leave us feeling helpless and without control. Creating something can help to restore a sense of empowerment and offer an active way to move through the grieving process.

Below are a few suggestions of how to creatively express your feelings. Keep in mind that you are doing this for yourself, and whatever you choose to create does not need to be shown to anyone or put on display. If you have your own ideas, I would love to hear them. Please post in the comments or contact me.

Write a Letter to Your Pet
This can be a really useful way to express your feelings towards to your pet and clarify what your pet meant to you. I often hear from people that they worry about forgetting their pet and they won't remember the special quirks or behaviors that made their pet unique. Writing a letter that includes your favorite memories or special aspects about your pet can help you to focus on the positive as well as provide a way to ensure that your memories stay alive.

Create a Mandala
The circular form of the mandala is one that has had a universally soothing quality for thousands of years. Quite often creating imagery inside of a circle elicits emotional expression and can be a comforting experience. You do not have to be artistic to do this. Simply trace a circle onto a piece of paper (you can use a plate, a can, any round container) and using crayons, markers, pastels, pencils or whatever material you have available simply draw what's on your mind in the moment. Your imagery does not need to be realistic, but can be abstract shapes, lines and colors. Just let your mind flow and see what happens. Quite often the circle shape acts as a container for feelings and can help to lessen their intensity. 

Make a Collage

Do you have lots of pictures of your pet? Pull some of your favorites and any other images (from magazines, the internet, other photo collections) that inspire or resonate and cut them out. Fill a page with pictures, words, stories about your pet, meaningful quotes. It is the process here that can really help you foster good memories, gain control and help you to generally feel better. Let go of any expectation for what it should look like and let yourself play for a little while.

Create a Special Box
Boxes can offer a sense of containment, safety and security. Decorate a special box and put some photos and or special things that remind you of your pet—favorite toys, tags, collars or any other mementos you may have. You can write your thoughts and feelings on a pieces of paper and keep them safely in the box. Consider the box your safe space, almost a three-dimensional journal, and put items in there that are meaningful to you.

Dr. Dan Siegel on Loss

Dr. Dan Siegel is a psychiatrist and neuroscientist whose work has explored using mindful awareness to promote mental, physical and relational health. He recently gave an interview in which he talks about the passing of his father and how his mind processed the experience and made efforts to adjust to a new reality. He emphasizes the importance of being present and allowing whatever feelings are coming up to just be. Be there with what is unfolding. "All we can do in life—no matter the helplessness you feel—is just be present."

If you have the time, this interview is quite interesting (though it's about an hour long) and offers a take on loss that may be helpful to consider.

The Human-Animal Bond

Bailey and her friends (animal and human)

Did you know that in ancient Egypt a person was condemned to death for intentionally (or accidentally) killing a cat? When a cat died, their human family would shave their eyebrows as a sign of their deep mourning. While times have changed and cats may no longer be treated as gods, it is a testament to how powerful the human-animal bond can be.  

The American Veterinary Medical Association defines the human-animal bond as "a mutually beneficial and dynamic relationship between people and animals that is influenced by behaviors that are essential to the health and well-being of both." The human-animal bond has existed for thousands of years and has benefited the emotional, psychological and physical well-being of both people and animals.

Historically, animals were kept because they served some sort of purpose. Dogs guarded the family home, cats were used to keep mice and rats away. Over time, certain animals and humans naturally began to form relationships, as the need for connection and comfort is something that lives in both humans and domestic animals. People experience less physiological distress in the presence of animals (for example, lowered blood pressure, reduced anxiety, general feeling of well-being) and provide us with the opportunity to exercise our natural tendency to nurture and care for things. 

As this blog develops, I hope to highlight instances where the human-animal bond is best represented. If you have a story to share or have come across a meaningful example of this special bond, please let me know. 

The Stages of Grief When Losing a Pet

While you may already be familiar with the stages of grief, it never hurts to be reminded of them, especially when you are in the midst of a grief experience. These stages, first outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross are universal and generally experienced in response to a sudden or overwhelming loss–be that of a person, a pet, a job, a relationship, a separation, etc. Intense grief is normal and it is by no means an indicator that something is wrong with you.

Grief is not necessarily a linear process and it is quite common to move between these stages, stay in one stage longer than another, or skip certain stages altogether. Grief is an individual process and there is no "correct" way to grieve, so be patient with yourself and your process. But most of all, allow it. The only way out of grief is through it.

PET LOSS STAGES OF GRIEF

Denial
In this stage there is often an experience of shock and disbelief that your pet is gone. As much as we anticipate and attempt to prepare for a pet’s death, we are never really ready for the sudden impact and finality of the loss. The defense system of the human mind often involves blocking out experiences that are overwhelming and distressing, so it is not unusual to initially be in denial of the reality that your pet is truly gone.

Anger
Death leaves us feeling out of control and powerless. Coming face to face with helplessness or the frustration that we couldn't do more can lead to angry feelings which may manifest in lashing out at others or being outraged over things that normally don't warrant such a response. There might be a tendency to blame others who had nothing to do with your pet's death. Resentments may build towards people who don't seem to understand the weight of your loss. 

Bargaining

This stage involves the hope that something can be done to change an inevitable situation. "If I do this..." "I should have, could have..." In terms of losing a pet, this stage is one that is often consumed by guilt. As a pet owner, you take on the responsibility to care for a pet throughout its life, so it makes sense that you might feel that you have let that pet down, or in some way failed to keep that pet from dying. Despite our best intentions, there is a limit to our ability to control things. In this stage we often wrestle with accepting this limit. 

Depression
Depression may be experienced throughout the mourning process. You might feel emotionally depleted or numb and small things in life are experienced as overwhelming. Low mood, physical fatigue, loss of appetite and overall feeling of despair are typical symptoms of a depressed state. Depression may bring on a tendency to isolate and withdraw.

Acceptance

In this stage, a sense of resolution and peace is reached with the situation, recognizing that the circumstances are what they are. There is less of an internal struggle with reality. Letting go of the hurt and pain does not mean letting go of your pet’s meaning in your life. Perhaps one of the greatest gifts pets can give us is that they teach us how to deal with loss, and can help us prepare and be better equipped to handle other losses in life. When you emerge on the other side of the pain of grief, you cannot help but be changed. Sometimes a stronger sense of self develops, and you may even redirect your life in a new way as a way to honor your pet and let that animal's life live on.

The grieving process is a normal part of the human experience. However, if you find yourself really "stuck" in any of the above stages for a prolonged period of time I would encourage you to seek help from a therapist (and certainly if you are considering harming yourself or others.) Sometimes the loss of a pet is a trigger for past unresolved losses or issues that are in need of exploration.

"Death ends a life, not a relationship." ~Jack Lemmon

The Disenfranchised Grief of Losing a Pet

Beloved Clue and friend Derek

Disenfranchised grief is a term used to describe grief that is not given adequate validation and recognition by society. Losing a pet is often an experience of disenfranchised grief. You may have been told "it’s just a dog," or "it’s just a cat," which may feel like your grief experience is being minimized. Well-meaning people may not understand that the loss of a pet evokes feelings as strong, or even stronger than the loss of a human relationship.

Pets are considered property in our legal system and the general sentiment projected in our culture is that losing a pet is not a significant loss–you can just "get a replacement." It's not unusual to feel ashamed and misunderstood by others when you are grieving a pet, and many people feel like they have to hide their grief and suffer in silence. This only adds to the pain.

If you are experiencing deep grief from the loss of a pet, you are entitled to it! There is nothing crazy or wrong about this experience. Your feelings are absolutely valid and a normal reaction for someone who has loved and bonded with an animal.

I encourage you to freely feel and experience the range of emotions likely to emerge during the grieving and healing process associated with losing a pet. It may help to seek out people who've been through a similar experience or to surround yourself with people with whom you can be your authentic self. Perhaps it would be helpful for you to express yourself in writing or in artwork. Whatever you are feeling, give yourself permission to honor those feelings and externalize them. Those feelings are legitimate.